I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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