JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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