If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
