I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My life is pants optional.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
