Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
