You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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