so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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