never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
