Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
