that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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