I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found puke in my bra..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
