why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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