Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
