I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
smell my finger.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
