When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
