hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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