I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize