Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
