I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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