i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
