i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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