I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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