I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
