Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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