Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
