you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
