ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
