why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
