Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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