I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
