so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
