Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a hot homeless man
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
