Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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