Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
