i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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