A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
