I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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