her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
