what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize