I think I died a long time ago.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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