Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
