Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
