We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
