ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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