My hand turned me down
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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