ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
