i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
