he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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