Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
