Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
