when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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