I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
