Your dad touched me again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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