Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
